My calendar was clear on the afternoon before the July 4th holiday, so I decided to take the drive home from the plant in mid-afternoon heat to avoid the late-afternoon traffic. Coming in from the garage-to-kitchen door, I plunked my laptop on the kitchen counter to reconnect, kicked off my shoes and shouted hellos to Bob and the boys. Bob was at his desk, slaying some code demon for his Boston based team after having scooped up the boys from a day at summer camp. The boys were lost in gaming, and shouted a quick 'Hi Mom'. I live a fortunate life.
When I flipped open the laptop, my Lync icon was blinking on the task bar - usually that means someone is in trouble, needs something, or wants to vent. This time, it was Denise asking if I'd read 'Lean In' (the Sheryl Sandberg book). I wish I'd started the video on my Lync session because I'm curious what Denise would have made of the reaction on my face. I don't get many Lync messages about interesting or somewhat controversial books, and I felt my mouth and forehead scrunch into a combination of surprise and wonder of where this could possibly be going.
I let Denise know I'd heard of the book but hadn't read it yet; she let me know she had just finished and enjoyed it (and qualified that she also heard the scuttlebutt after the book was published). Like so many things that Denise does well, she hooked me and I read the book over the weekend.
This post is dedicated to Denise, with all respects to Sheryl Sandberg.
My husband Bob loves to say 'all facts come with a point of view', so it is fair to point out that I have nearly ten years on Sheryl, working in a male dominated career (technology). Denise as best I can guess is a fair bit younger than Sheryl. Denise and her husband are also expecting their first child in the fall, and she will also be transferring to work as a member my team within IT (she will be one of four or five women now in an organization of over sixty). 'Points of view' abound!
Ms. Sandberg tells us her book is not a memoir, not a self-help book, not a feminist manifesto, not career advice, but that she hopes it helps. I can say the same about this blog post, but I'll add that what I think Ms. Sandberg has done is provide a description of her life as one example of how someone can manage their career and life. It might be a model for some people, men or women, and not for others. You could say the same about all the things that I write here as well (just slightly less profitable for me than Ms. Sandberg's book was for her).
But, getting on with it... what did I think of the book?
There are some areas of the book that I understand and accept, and I've known about for a long time. Global statistics that tell me the percentages of women vs. men relative to management roles, pay, or other areas where the statistics reflect favorably on men don't mean much to me - I've heard them for a long time. I now have two sons; sometimes I wonder if it really would be better if the numbers were reversed (they may be by the time my sons are at management or executive levels). I'm more interested in people than women or men specifically, and I look forward to the day when it's not considered a big deal to be a COO or CIO who just happens to be a women, or gay, or has bright blue hair. But I also understand that perceptions are a big deal, and life (and especially business) is not engineered to be what I personally consider to be 'fair'.
I respect the amount of introspection and life examination that it must take to write this type of book. It does seem very personal to me (like a memoir), and I can understand that Ms. Sandberg must have realized that she did face a lot of what I call 'relative unfairness' in her career. After ten, twenty, or thirty years in your career, once you realize how much 'relative unfairness' you may have faced along the way, it can be frustrating. Writing about it in a blog or book can be a cathartic experience, and can help rationalize that the 'relative unfairness' you went through might help others avoid it. It has to be healthy (and profitable, for Ms. Sandberg) to let the anger and frustration out as an altruistic gesture towards all women.
'Relative unfairness' is where Ms. Sandberg might lose some people. She is an extremely intelligent and fortunate woman, with an Ivy League education and exposure to powerful people who gave her incredible opportunities. Of course she encountered relative unfairness along the way - we all do (men and women). It's sometimes hard to relate to the specific examples and scenarios that she describes, because her point of view is from the top fraction of a percentage of people who have had her education and opportunities.
My parents gave me a work ethic and raised me to value career over marriage - I didn't have any pressure to produce grandkids, and I've always been ambitious about my career. When I hit a point of what I considered extreme 'relative unfairness' in my own career, I enrolled in night school for my MBA while working as a consultant during the day. I'm incredibly fortunate to have had the resources for this and the support of my family. Most everyone experiences some level of relative unfairness in their lives, especially if you have siblings, have gone to public schools, and definitely if you have been in the workforce for any period of time. Some people live in extremely unfortunate and desperately unfair conditions. We all handle it in our own ways, some better than others.
Bob and I talked about the book's claim that 'men are promoted on potential, and women are promoted on past performance'. I don't have statistics to back me up on this, but I don't think this is specific to just men or women. Both Bob and I are 'old school' and were raised to prove ourselves by demonstrating hard work and results - it's what we value. Some people are just not wired for self promotion that is not based on past performance, and it's neither good nor bad. I would not feel comfortable changing my approach to asking for promotions (I rely on my successful record of past achievements as evidence for the kind of value I can deliver when asking for more responsibility). Bob is the same way - this isn't uniquie to my gender. And, Bob correctly pointed out that both he and I would be happier if there were just fewer somewhat insecure or possibly sociopathic managers in the workforce, independent of gender.
If I sum the book up in a sentence, I would say that it advises us all to be ambitious in any pursuit. I don't think anyone needs to be afraid or ashamed to follow this advice, whether its an ambition to stay home with a new baby, or to return back to the workforce as soon as she feels up to it. I would rather see people be authentic and true to themselves than blindly ambitious at the expense of who they are (men or women).
Along my own winding career, I've collected books on leadership and now that I've read Ms. Sandberg's book I'll add it to the shelf. Some of my favorites are:
- 'Standing at the Crossroads: Next Steps for High Achieving Women' (Ruderman and Ohlott)
- 'Primal Leadership' (Goleman, Boyatzis, McKee)
- and, this section of the poem Desiderata:
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself.
Mainly, my first reaction now to someone 'leaning in' is to counter move with a backspin kick to the head. This year I followed Bob and the boys in earning my black belt in Taekwondo, and it's given me a whole new perspective on people, management, and leadership. I'm most successful when I'm myself.
Be authentic, Denise, and you will always be successful-
